Randy Wolf starting to suspect new contract incentives exist only to mock him

2009: A Year

Dec 15, 2009: Randy Wolf starting to suspect new contract incentives exist only to mock him

Milwaukee, WI--After signing a new three-year deal with the Milwaukee Brewers earlier this month, former Dodger starting pitcher Randy Wolf has become increasingly convinced that many of the provisions in his incentive-laden contract exist simply to insult him.

Wolf, who enjoyed one of the best seasons of his career last year as the Dodgers' most reliable and least physically intimidating starter, said he began to suspect a cruelly ironic tone in his contract after giving it a thorough read-over late last week.

"Let me first say that I have great respect for [Brewers general manager] Doug Melvin and all he's done for this organization," said Wolf. "That's why I'm confused as to why he would offer me his entire life savings and sex with his wife if I win the Cy Young."

Wolf cited other performance incentives that seemed vaguely derisive, including: renaming Miller Park "The Wolf Cage" if he is named National League starter for the All-Star Game; diplomatic immunity from state and federal law if he wins three postseason games; and a bonus of 80% of US GDP if Wolf breaks Nolan Ryan's single season record of 383 strikeouts.

Reached by phone, Melvin said not all of the bonuses were so wildly out of reach.

"Everytime he breaks 92 on the gun, tell him we'll get him his own jetliner," said Melvin, laughing hysterically. "Shit, make it 91. I bet he can crank it up to 91 once a season."

Wolf also said he was upset that despite the seeming excess of incentives and bonuses in the $30 million deal, he would receive no compensation yet again for winning MLB's "Bonaduce" award, given to the player in each league who both physically resembles Danny Bonaduce the most. Last year's AL winner, CC Sabathia, received a $10 million bonus from the fucking Yankees.