Dear Saturdays,
First, an apology. My behavior the past eight months has been simply unacceptable. "Walks", "hikes", and other overhyped forms of upright outdoor mobility. High-fiving my girlfriend after spotting an organic casaba sale at the local farmer's market. Degrading shopping trips to Target, Kohl's, and other places without "Wings", "Hut", or "$1.99 Chinese Food Don't Ask How That's Possible" in the title.
I know these trespasses are all but indefensible. But, Saturday, if we're truly being honest with each other, you're not completely blameless yourself. Cubs-Astros as the Fox Saturday Game of the Week? I much rather spend three hours comparing thread counts at Bed Bath and Beyond than spend three hours watching Carlos Pena attempt to hit a baseball. Even if Carlos Pena also came in my mailbox with a strangely effective, oversized 30% off coupon (someone should check if this is why the Cubs signed him).
Saturday, let us forgive and forget, for September is finally upon us, and with it we can resume our relationship as it was originally intended. I wake up at 10, stumble drowsily to the living room, and flip on whatever utterly inconsequential Big-10 games ESPN and ESPN2 are playing. After double checking that the flatscreen is working properly and that Big 10 secondaries are indeed just that slow, I settle into the position on the sofa I will occupy for the next 12 hours (save for the half minute exchanging awkward pleasantries with the Vietnamese delivery guy and the ensuing forty minute dump/email check). At mid-afternoon, just after an SEC team has cemented the conference's status as the greatest in the history of intermural sport with a 17 point victory over UTEP, I'll check the weather on my laptop simply to affirm that the best way to spend a 73 degree day in West Los Angeles is inside a two-bedroom apartment with no direct sunlight. Midway through the USC nightcap, I'll be overcome with a severe bout of Kiffinitis--a unique form of nausea caused partly by a full day of human inertia and partly by the natural physiological reaction to Lane Kiffin.
Before I get to the team-by-team predictions, a note about what is currently being referred to as the Pac-12 but what very well may be the Pac-28 by the time you read this (assuming the University of British Columbia can break from its revenue sharing deal with the London School of Economics). I'm a sports traditionalist at heart, having come from a long line of sports reactionaries. My father still won't recognize either of the two Marlins World Series championships because, as he puts it, "The Weimar Republic was around longer than those fuckers." When the designated hitter was introduced in the late 1970's, my grandfather self-immolated. Even my great great great great grandfather objected to the integration of Jews into 18th century Russian hockey leagues, partly because it threatened the integrity of past scoring records and partly because Jews weren't allowed to wear skates.
But despite the Edmund Burke sports pedigree, I must confess my excitement for the Pac-12. Although I'll mourn the smug sense of moral superiority round-robin play conferred on Pac-10 teams, there are two highly compelling reasons I'm elated with the new format: 1) the spectacle of Utah Mormons venturing to Berkeley on a semi-regular basis, which may very well represent the largest culture clash of any two schools in the same conference with the exception of annual Howard-Brandeis squash game; and 2) Cal is guaranteed to play Wazzu each year, every year, until the end of time.
I originally planned to post these predictions last week, well ahead of opening weekend. You'll simply have to trust that my prognostications were in no way affected by Week 1's outcomes, and that I always had Sacramento State over Stanford in the Pac-12 title game. Without further ado...
Pac-12 North: Final Standings
1. Stanford (10-3, 8-2): The Furd charges into the Big Game ranked second in the country (trailing only a 3-loss SEC team), buoyed by Luck's Heisman candidacy and a daunting non-conference schedule featuring wins over BCS-powerhouses Duke and San Jose State. Cal fans are treated to an endless stream of ESPN segments on Luck's architecture degree, including a halftime report in which he tells Kirk Herbstreit, "Everybody knows I'm the idea guy. I let the Asians do the computer stuff. They call themselves the AutoCADDIES, but I don't know what that means." The Farm hosts a record turnout of just over 60% capacity, with half of those in attendance from Berkeley. On the first play from scrimmage, Cal safety Sean Cattouse soars over three Stanford offensive lineman and pile drives Luck, the force of the hit blinding him permanently. Stanford goes on to lose the game 35-3, and then follow it up with losses to both Notre Dame and Utah in the Pac-12 title game. After his etch-a sketches fail to attract any interest from architecture firms, Luck applies for an admin job with Facebook.
2. Oregon (8-4, 6-3): After Les Miles' strategy of letting Oregon catch the ball on punt returns pays surprising dividends, Oregon bounces back with seven consecutive victories. Chip Kelley's interactions with the media become even more dickishly terse, with Chip responding to several on-field Erin Andrews questions exclusively with "Ducks go fast" and "I coach football". Unfortunately, the Ducks' slip down the stretch with consecutive losses to UDUB, the Furd and USC. Adding insult to injury, the NCAA releases the results of its investigation into Oregon's recruiting violations, declaring LeMichael James, Darron Thomas, Cliff Harris, Joey Harrington, Akili Smith, and Steve PreFontaine ineligible and revoking the Ducks' 2010 Pac-10 title. Phil Knight assumes coaching duties for the bowl game.
3. Washington (7-5, 5-4): The Sarkesians post another respectable season, featuring a victory over Oregon and a second consecutive bowl game appearance. However, a malaise settles over Seattle late in the year when defensive coordinator Nick Holt is suspended for HGH and, in a panic, the Huskies tap Tyrone Willimgham to replace him. Seattle sports fans pretend the Sounders matter for another three years.
4. Cal (7-5, 4-5): Maynard throws for 3,000 and runs for 1,000, Isi keeps our streak of 1,000 yard rushers alive for another year, and our highly touted defensive freshmen actually live up to the hype. Sweater Vest West cools some of the criticism, and Marv Jones and Keenan Allen get guest spots on a Ginuwine record that goes triple platinum. But we still lose to SC.
5. Oregon State (4-8, 4-5): A disappointing year for the Beavers that could only be redeemed with yet another victory over USC. Unfortunately they don't play the Trojans until 2012.
6. Wazzu (4-8, 2-7): A four win season is hailed as significant progress by players, coaches, and the single remaining member of the Cougars fan base. Unfortunately, the euphoria in Pullman is cut short when Pac-12 Commissioner Larry Scott announces that the conference will cut ties with Washington State and replace the team with Mater Dei's Junior Varsity squad.
I'm too tired for the Pac-12 South. Too many teams. Expansion ruins everything.
But despite the Edmund Burke sports pedigree, I must confess my excitement for the Pac-12. Although I'll mourn the smug sense of moral superiority round-robin play conferred on Pac-10 teams, there are two highly compelling reasons I'm elated with the new format: 1) the spectacle of Utah Mormons venturing to Berkeley on a semi-regular basis, which may very well represent the largest culture clash of any two schools in the same conference with the exception of annual Howard-Brandeis squash game; and 2) Cal is guaranteed to play Wazzu each year, every year, until the end of time.
I originally planned to post these predictions last week, well ahead of opening weekend. You'll simply have to trust that my prognostications were in no way affected by Week 1's outcomes, and that I always had Sacramento State over Stanford in the Pac-12 title game. Without further ado...
Pac-12 North: Final Standings
1. Stanford (10-3, 8-2): The Furd charges into the Big Game ranked second in the country (trailing only a 3-loss SEC team), buoyed by Luck's Heisman candidacy and a daunting non-conference schedule featuring wins over BCS-powerhouses Duke and San Jose State. Cal fans are treated to an endless stream of ESPN segments on Luck's architecture degree, including a halftime report in which he tells Kirk Herbstreit, "Everybody knows I'm the idea guy. I let the Asians do the computer stuff. They call themselves the AutoCADDIES, but I don't know what that means." The Farm hosts a record turnout of just over 60% capacity, with half of those in attendance from Berkeley. On the first play from scrimmage, Cal safety Sean Cattouse soars over three Stanford offensive lineman and pile drives Luck, the force of the hit blinding him permanently. Stanford goes on to lose the game 35-3, and then follow it up with losses to both Notre Dame and Utah in the Pac-12 title game. After his etch-a sketches fail to attract any interest from architecture firms, Luck applies for an admin job with Facebook.
2. Oregon (8-4, 6-3): After Les Miles' strategy of letting Oregon catch the ball on punt returns pays surprising dividends, Oregon bounces back with seven consecutive victories. Chip Kelley's interactions with the media become even more dickishly terse, with Chip responding to several on-field Erin Andrews questions exclusively with "Ducks go fast" and "I coach football". Unfortunately, the Ducks' slip down the stretch with consecutive losses to UDUB, the Furd and USC. Adding insult to injury, the NCAA releases the results of its investigation into Oregon's recruiting violations, declaring LeMichael James, Darron Thomas, Cliff Harris, Joey Harrington, Akili Smith, and Steve PreFontaine ineligible and revoking the Ducks' 2010 Pac-10 title. Phil Knight assumes coaching duties for the bowl game.
3. Washington (7-5, 5-4): The Sarkesians post another respectable season, featuring a victory over Oregon and a second consecutive bowl game appearance. However, a malaise settles over Seattle late in the year when defensive coordinator Nick Holt is suspended for HGH and, in a panic, the Huskies tap Tyrone Willimgham to replace him. Seattle sports fans pretend the Sounders matter for another three years.
4. Cal (7-5, 4-5): Maynard throws for 3,000 and runs for 1,000, Isi keeps our streak of 1,000 yard rushers alive for another year, and our highly touted defensive freshmen actually live up to the hype. Sweater Vest West cools some of the criticism, and Marv Jones and Keenan Allen get guest spots on a Ginuwine record that goes triple platinum. But we still lose to SC.
5. Oregon State (4-8, 4-5): A disappointing year for the Beavers that could only be redeemed with yet another victory over USC. Unfortunately they don't play the Trojans until 2012.
6. Wazzu (4-8, 2-7): A four win season is hailed as significant progress by players, coaches, and the single remaining member of the Cougars fan base. Unfortunately, the euphoria in Pullman is cut short when Pac-12 Commissioner Larry Scott announces that the conference will cut ties with Washington State and replace the team with Mater Dei's Junior Varsity squad.
I'm too tired for the Pac-12 South. Too many teams. Expansion ruins everything.
