Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Fans Treated to "Real, Smashmouth" Football, Strongly Prefer Scoring Instead

Barn-burning 3 yard gain 
New Orleans, LA--After watching a BCS title game that lived up to its billing as authentic, hard-hitting, defensive-minded football, devoted fans across the country were shocked to learn that they in fact prefer a less "footbally" version of the sport.

The highly anticipated matchup between the University of Alabama and Louisiana State University, which was alternately hyped by various media outlets as "your granddaddy's kind of pigskin" and "UFC without the touchdowns", prompted fans young and old to express confusion and dismay after being horribly, horribly bored for the 3 hour duration of the game.

"I guess I'm not really that much of a football fan," said Tim Kirkpatrick, a longtime Michigan State fan who tuned into the game expecting to be thrilled by both teams' impressive rush defenses and athletic secondaries. "I mean, I'm supposed to love this, right? Call me soft, but I guess I never realized how much I like the aesthetic of a ball vaguely moving in a forward direction."

"An SEC fan sitting next to me at the bar got a hard-on every time LSU punted, for Christ's sake," Kirkpatrick added. "That's a real fan."

Reactions to the game were even more virulent among fans accustomed to completed receptions and positive plays from scrimmage, as these seemingly commonplace hallmarks of "good football" were exposed to be flashy trivialities when the sport is played correctly.

Several members of Oklahoma State's coaching staff, including its offensive coordinator and special teams assistants, were reportedly rushed to the hospital after seizures midway through the 47th "three and out" of the second quarter.

Marianne Kelly, wife of a prominent Pac-12 head coach who declined to be identified because of the sensitive nature of the subject, said she had never seen her husband as visibly distraught while watching the game he loves.

"He would do the same thing over and over again," recounted Kelly. "He would walk into the living room, turn on the game, and sit watching for about three minutes. Then he would scream "THIS IS FUCKING HORSESHIT!" at the top of his lungs, throw everything he could grab at the television and then call himself Jordan Jefferson when he missed."