Thursday, March 29, 2012

An Application for Clipper Fanhood

Hey, kid.

Yeah, you. The one with the "Lob Angeles" t-shirt and camouflage Clipper baseball hat. The one who doesn't calculate the odds of a stray meteor crashing directly into Chris Paul's surgically repaired knee before every  tip-off. The one who posted this on Facebook five minutes after Tyga recorded it on his Mac. The one who still has "the disembowelment" as their wallpaper.

First, let me apologize. It's not right that you keep getting stared down at Staples by 50 year old white men in Ron Harper throwbacks checking their pre-McFlurry insulin levels. I could see how frustrating it must be to post something on Clip Nation, only to watch in confusion as replies like "Cherokee Park's PER shits all over Chris Bosh,"  and "Fuck Ray Allen. Why aren't we working out Pike?" hijack the thread. You probably had to look up Quintin Ross on microfiche, for Christ's sake.

It's ok, kid. You're bandwagon, but it's ok. Other longtime Clipper fans may not be as empathetic, but I'm here to extend a helping hand.

The truth is, while Clipper fans act as if we used to drink Hennessy with World B. Free at halftime, most of us started off in your shoes. I'm from the Darius-Quentin-Khloe's wife bandwagon wave, aka the Kobe defectors. We were the native Angelenos who couldn't put up with the vanilla mamba's antics anymore and wanted a team that was young and dynamic and selfless. For the first five years of our fanhood, this was literally our fondest memory, aside from the times when Khloe's wife actually passed his drug test:


The Lamar-Darius-Quentin bandwagon wave now makes up a sizable contingent of "authentic" Clippers fans, as do those who came over with the Cassell--Kaman--Judas playoff team. When we're really honest with ourselves, we readily admit that we need to grow our fan base if only to rid Staples of the lingering stench of our co-tenants (typically they smell like a combination of Axe Body Spray and Skinnygirl Margaritas, which coincidentally is also the smell of sex with Luke Walton). A Clipper victory will be sweeter for us simply because of the suffering we've endured, but nevertheless, we want you there with us. 

In order to ease the transition to full-fledged Clipper fanhood, I've created the following application for bandwagoners that might be somewhat unfamiliar the the franchise's storied traditions of shredded ACL's, players named Wang and N'Dong, and general human misery. If you score higher than Tim Thomas' career adjusted field goal percentage, congratulations--throw on your CP3 All-Star jersey and hop on the bandwagon. If you score lower, you are likely functionally illiterate. 

Application for Clipper Fanhood (begin here) 

1. Are you currently a Lakers fan? 

a) Yes
b) No 

If you answered "yes" to question 1, please do not complete the rest of the application. Self-immolate as soon as possible. Yes, you may google "self-immolate". Yes, you may wait until after Luke Walton finishes. 

2. What is the most likely outcome for this current Clippers season? 

a) First round playoff exit
b) Western Conference quarterfinals
c) Western Conference finals
d) The Clippers are up 3-0 on the Lakers in the Western Conference finals, with Blake and CP each averaging triple doubles and Reggie Evans holding Kobe to 7% shooting from the field, just above his season average. Suddenly, just before tip-off of Game 4, a rogue unmanned Zamboni left over from a Kings game careens towards the Clippers sideline. Chris Paul's good knee is immediately trapped under the Zamboni, which shreds it to Shaun Livingston-esque pieces. The Zamboni then veers towards Blake, who successfully jumps over the entire machine, but only to land on Matt Barnes' strategically placed foot. The force of the landing shatters Blake's ankle. Stern declares no wrongdoing by Barnes, the Lakers win the next four games, and Kobe is named Finals MVP after shooting 4% against the Heat. 




Correct Answer: D. Fucking inevitable. 


3. Which of these celebrity basketball fans is the hottest? 

a) Ashley Judd

b) Cameron Diaz


c) Eva Longoria 
d) Penny Marshall 


Correct Answer: D. We would also accept James Brooks. If you're not fully aroused by the site of Penny Marshall courtside, you are not a red-blooded American male. 


5. Who is the best dunker in Clippers history? 

a) World B. Free
b) Blake 
c) Darius Miles 
d) DeAndre 


Correct Answer: KOROLEV!!! Why else would Dunleavy draft him 12th in the 2005 draft? When I think of Yaroslov, my mind immediately flocks to his collection of monster pre-game throwdowns, and not to the fact that he went ahead of David Lee and Monte Ellis. 

6. What is fashion? 

a) This: 





Correct Answer: Elgin is fashion. 


7. The Clips are up by 2 with 14 seconds left. Which opposing player would you least like to see with the ball in their hands? 

a) The Vanilla Mamba
b) Lebron James
c) Kevin Durant
d) Dirk Nowitzki 
e) Anthony Morrow, CJ Miles, Reggie Williams, or that guy the opposing team just called up from the D-league 


Correct Answer: E. Clipper fans have hold the in-game record for yelling "Oh shit, don't let Morrow touch the ball." 

8. The hardest place for the Clippers to win (before this year) was....

a) The Delta Center (Utah)
b) The AT&T Center (San Antonio)
c) The American Airlines Center (Dallas) 
d) Anywhere before page 4 of the L.A. Times sports section. 


Correct Answer: A. I still can't believe we won in Utah. Maybe the Mayans were right about this whole 2012 thing...

9. Complete the following statement: the next Clippers head coach should be....

D'Antoni
b) Nate McMillan 
c) Jerry Sloan
d) Larry Brown 
e) Jeff Van Gundy


Answer: Any answer is acceptable. 

10. The next Clippers head coach will be: 

a) Vinny Del Negro, for the next 50 years
b) Bill Fitch
d) Donald Sterling, as player-coach
e) Diego Maradona 
f) Anyone who worked for FEMA in 2005

Answer: Any answer is acceptable 

10. True or false: The same franchise that once had Dan Dickau starting at point guard now has Chris Paul. 

Answer: True. Praise be to Stern. 


Feel free to add your own questions, I'm sure I've neglected something related to Benoit Benjamin or Keith Closs. 













3 comments:

  1. Q) Who is the top most Raptor-like member of the NBA who also led the league in assist to turn over ratio? And if you guess Chris Bosh you get punched in the wiener.

    A) Jeff "my wikipedia page was written by a 6 year old" McInnis

    PS: I'm pretty sure we were at that Kings game where Lamar threw that ridiculous ally.

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  2. We were at that game dude! And that was honestly one of the funnest days of high school.

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  3. yeah,I think so ,I like the t shirt,too.

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