City--Pope Benedict XVI publicly unveiled his "infallible" March Madness bracket yesterday, expressing what he called his "most sincere and heartfelt" regret for the belated timing of the bracket's release.At an impromptu press conference held inside St. Peter's Basilica, the Bishop of Rome and physical representation of God's will on earth analyzed his strategy behind successfully picking the winner of every single game in the 65-team tournament, a feat which experts pegged at a probability of less than one half of one percent.
"Yeup, I had Duke and West Virginia in the Final Four, those were locks as far as I was concerned," he said. "Butler in the finals? Who saw that coming?"
"Oh, I guess I did."
The ceremony marked the 12th consecutive official bracket the papacy has released, with each unveiling occurring well after the national championship had been decided. Pope Benedict, a self-described hoops fanatic who has repeatedly lobbied for ESPN bracketologist Joe Lunardi's sainthood, reassured his faithful that next year the brackets would finally precede the games.
"We have some other issues pressing, as you're probably aware," the former German archbishop said. "Retrofitting the Sistine Chapel, making draconian statements on AIDS, the NBA playoffs. Shit gets busy."
When asked why teams from Catholic universities such as Georgetown and Notre Dame fared so poorly in the tournament, Pope Benedict responded, "Dude, everyone knew Harangody was fucking trash. Oh, and something about straying from Catholic values..."
Vatican officials were elated with yet another example of the pope's infallibility on earth, as well as with Gordon Hayward's boyish handsomeness.
