Pope unveils "infallible bracket"

Vatican City--Pope Benedict XVI publicly unveiled his "infallible" March Madness bracket yesterday, expressing what he called his "most sincere and heartfelt" regret for the belated timing of the bracket's release.

At an impromptu press conference held inside St. Peter's Basilica, the Bishop of Rome and physical representation of God's will on earth analyzed his strategy behind successfully picking the winner of every single game in the 65-team tournament, a feat which experts pegged at a probability of less than one half of one percent.

"Yeup, I had Duke and West Virginia in the Final Four, those were locks as far as I was concerned," he said. "Butler in the finals? Who saw that coming?"

"Oh, I guess I did."

The ceremony marked the 12th consecutive official bracket the papacy has released, with each unveiling occurring well after the national championship had been decided. Pope Benedict, a self-described hoops fanatic who has repeatedly lobbied for ESPN bracketologist Joe Lunardi's sainthood, reassured his faithful that next year the brackets would finally precede the games.

"We have some other issues pressing, as you're probably aware," the former German archbishop said. "Retrofitting the Sistine Chapel, making draconian statements on AIDS, the NBA playoffs. Shit gets busy."

When asked why teams from Catholic universities such as Georgetown and Notre Dame fared so poorly in the tournament, Pope Benedict responded, "Dude, everyone knew Harangody was fucking trash. Oh, and something about straying from Catholic values..."

Vatican officials were elated with yet another example of the pope's infallibility on earth, as well as with Gordon Hayward's boyish handsomeness.

Locura de Marzo--The Jorge Gutierrez Bracket Remix

Despite a white-hot love affair with Olympic hockey and a lifelong soft-spot for curling jokes, Bochy's Oversized Pillow is incredibly relieved that a real sport with a real postseason looms only two days away. But before I move on to justifying a UCSB-Wofford championship game, I feel strangely compelled to confess the following about the Winter Games:

• The Olympics are a great reminder that hockey goalie helmets are by far the coolest functional athletic equipment in all of professional sports. I would buy this in a heartbeat if it was under $50 and wear it to every sporting event, grad school reception and professional development conference I attend for the rest of the year, and to every wedding I attend for the rest of my life (including my own). With all respect to Goldberg and my beloved Kelly Hrudy, Ryan Miller is now officially the only goalie I would sleep with. Obviously, he has to wear the helmet the entire time.

• I miss Michele Kwan: I'm a sucker for moley Koreans on ice. Yes, there's a porn subgenre.

• Pistons-Heat games are more compelling than short-track speed skating: Apollo just doesn't do it for me. Halfway through the race where he set the all-time American winter medal count, I flipped over to TNT to see if Charlie Villanueva looked any less terrifying on our new television. He does, but that's only because our new TV is framed with cardboard cutouts of Popeye Jones' head.

There's already enough ink spilled over how terrible February and the first few weeks of March are for sports fans, so I'll move straight to the much-anticipated bracket picks. First though, the requisite Nate Silver methodology disclosure:

1) As a formerly middle-class, mildly athletic white male, I naturally gravitate towards the following types of teams: underdogs, teams who are undersized, teams with "true" point guards who look pretty passing the ball, teams who do nothing but shoot threes, and teams who would look good in the One Shining Moment montage.

2) Any team with a truly unique mascot will warrant significant attention. For UC's, this includes teams with walk-on Asian-Americans.

3) For all toss-ups, I go with Jay Bilas--college basketball's taller, blacker version of Peter Gammons.

4) I always make perfectly rational decisions.

The Dirty Dirty (South):

(1)Duke vs. (16)Arkansas Pine Bluff/Winthrop: Whenever I see the 1 seed lined up against the play-in winner, I always think it would make more sense if they just let both play-in teams combine forces against the one-seed, 10 on 5. Wouldn't that be more entertaining than the non-event drubbing these games almost always turn out to be?
Winner: Duke

(8)Cal vs. (9)Louisville: Fuuuuck...Cal gets in the tournament again and pulls a Big East team with an athletic interior scorer and a point guard capable of exploiting undersized defenders. Could have been worse--we do have the weakest 1 seed in Duke--but could have been better also. Am I the only one who rather have UW's draw from the 12 seed? A tough call.
Winner: Cal by 300. Gutti goes for 30, Theo for 75, Chris Kaman grabs 420 boards...deliberately.

(5)Texas A&M vs. (12)Utah State: Ahhh, the much ballyhood 5-12. On the one hand, I empathize with any mascot with shoulder hair; on the other hand, the infallible Bilas has Texas A&M winning. Tiebreaker--Deandre Jordan, the Wilt of backup Clipper centers (sorry Cherokee Parks), has eligibility left.
Winner: Texas A&M

(4)Purdue vs. (13)Siena: The non-upset upset.
Winner: Siena

(6)Notre Dame vs. (11)Old Dominion: I hate the fighting Irish, and Luke Harangody is a lock to play Lenny in any off-Broadway production of Of Mice and Men, but I don't see ODU beating them.
Winner: Notre Dame

(7)Richmond vs. (10)St. Mary's: Holy shit Richmond's mascot!!!Winner: Richmond. And my mom for sewing that mascot costume for my 2nd grade play.


I just realized there's no prayer of me completing this for every region before the tourney starts, so here are the highlights.

Although I Still Prefer Jasmin to Cinderella in Terms of Raw Sexuality:

(13)Wofford over (4)Wisconsin--You have to feel sorry for the Big-10. I read somewhere that now over 70% of Big-10 undergraduates are laid-off GM employees who couldn't get into nursing school. But Wisconsin plays the ugliest brand of basketball in the history of recorded sport, and should be punished for it.

(14)Sam Houston State over (3)Baylor: There's only room for one sleeper Bear in the South, and he's old and arthritic.

(13)Murray State over (4)Vanderbilt.


My Elite 8 Sleepers:

(7)BYU: Storming Mormons will play in Salt Lake City if they make it this far. That's like if Columbia made the tournament and played their opening round matchup inside Katz's Deli.

(12)Cornell: I'm buying the Big Red. Plus, it's my favorite gum. Although if they played Orange Tic Tac State, I'd have a true dilemma on my hands.

(8)Cal: Yes, I just Plaxico'd my bracket.


My Final Four:

Kansas, BYU, West Virginia, Nova

Championship: Kansas, Nova,

Winner: Nova---I love teams consisting entirely of brutally physical tweeners between 6'4 and 6'8 who can jump out of the gym and play no defined position other than "the guy that scares the shit out of the opposition". And they can all shoot. And Scottie Reynolds is a homie.

SF Giants and performance enhancing drugs: Kent admits to career long abuse

In the wake of Mark McGwire's shocking admission that he used steroids throughout his homerun-record-shattering career, another admission has been made. Jeff Kent, former MVP and silent force behind the San Francisco Giants golden era of the late 90's, admitted earlier this week that throughout almost the entirety of his 10+ year career in major league baseball, he had been high on ecstasy.

Recently retired after 13 years as the starting second baseman for the New York Mets, San Francisco Giants, Houston Astros, and for his last 4 seasons (2005-2008), an obscure, nazi appreciation league team, Jeff Kent was arguably the top offensive middle infielder of his time, and notably, in an era clouded in steroids controversy, Kent stood apart as a role model who had apparently played the game clean.

That is until yesterday when Kent announced at a press conference, "I would wake up after day games, around 7:30 in a pool of sweat, my hair in rubber bands, and I wouldn't remember anything from the last 12 hours." Kent continued, "from early march 'til mid november, I don't think I ever took off my E pants. you know? The really baggy ones that have all those zippers that don't do anything? I'd wear them under my baseball pants, in the shower, and then I'd go straight to the raves. I couldn't hit the next day if I didn't roll that night." 

The demand of professional sports has driven many athletes to great lengths, and in the summer of 1997 Jeff Kent had given into the pressure. "You show up to the bigs and it's a different game. It's faster, it's mean, everyone's out to get you and you'll get trampled if you don't keep up." He recounts "I had been hitting alright in New York, mostly just staying on first base after I'd ground out and counting on the umps not noticing. But Cleveland was a wake up call, and when I was traded to San Francisco, well, I knew it was now or never, and there was a PED culture on that team. Danny (Darwin) was the first to offer it to me." Darwin, a starting pitcher, 20 year veteran, and noted Japanese night club owner, was perhaps the league's most infamous E user, and it didn't take long until Kent became dependent on the drug, admitting "It was like night and day, I would wake up in my own sweat, take 7-36 pills, and I wouldn't feel any pressure. I'd be in the on deck circle, bouncing, screaming "macarena" lyrics with my eyes closed and my tongue out and the ball looked like the size of jupiter. I couldn't have done what I did with out it."

When asked why he finally came out about his years of performance enhancing drug abuse Kent said it was Darwin's death that made it important to come clean. "It was Darwin's death that made it important for me to come clean" Kent says, "When he collapsed from dehydration at his hall of fame induction last year, we all knew that it had gone too far and that we needed to make amends to our fans. Also, playing with the Dodgers. The two low points in my career were my best friend dying in front of everyone, and having to play in Los Angeles. They were both equally loud wake up calls that my entire life had been a waste."  

Jeff Kent is now the latest in a string of athletes to have his reputation tarnished by ecstasy. Whether or not the baseball world ever forgives Kent or sees him the same way is still to be seen.

Randy Wolf starting to suspect new contract incentives exist only to mock him

2009: A Year

Dec 15, 2009: Randy Wolf starting to suspect new contract incentives exist only to mock him

Milwaukee, WI--After signing a new three-year deal with the Milwaukee Brewers earlier this month, former Dodger starting pitcher Randy Wolf has become increasingly convinced that many of the provisions in his incentive-laden contract exist simply to insult him.

Wolf, who enjoyed one of the best seasons of his career last year as the Dodgers' most reliable and least physically intimidating starter, said he began to suspect a cruelly ironic tone in his contract after giving it a thorough read-over late last week.

"Let me first say that I have great respect for [Brewers general manager] Doug Melvin and all he's done for this organization," said Wolf. "That's why I'm confused as to why he would offer me his entire life savings and sex with his wife if I win the Cy Young."

Wolf cited other performance incentives that seemed vaguely derisive, including: renaming Miller Park "The Wolf Cage" if he is named National League starter for the All-Star Game; diplomatic immunity from state and federal law if he wins three postseason games; and a bonus of 80% of US GDP if Wolf breaks Nolan Ryan's single season record of 383 strikeouts.

Reached by phone, Melvin said not all of the bonuses were so wildly out of reach.

"Everytime he breaks 92 on the gun, tell him we'll get him his own jetliner," said Melvin, laughing hysterically. "Shit, make it 91. I bet he can crank it up to 91 once a season."

Wolf also said he was upset that despite the seeming excess of incentives and bonuses in the $30 million deal, he would receive no compensation yet again for winning MLB's "Bonaduce" award, given to the player in each league who both physically resembles Danny Bonaduce the most. Last year's AL winner, CC Sabathia, received a $10 million bonus from the fucking Yankees.

Stafon Johnson recovery increasingly embarrassing for USC, Stafon Johnson

2009: A Year

Bochy's Oversized Pillow is kicking off the new year by steadfastly refusing to acknowledge the passage of time and instead maintaining the delusion that 2009 never ended (we borrowed this strategy from Frank McCourt's mission statement for the winter GM meetings). Here are some of the most underreported sports stories of the year, starting with the fall of Troy. Kudos to Ms. Alexa Vaughn for help with the pic. If you'd like to contact Alexa, you can reach her at reevesnelsoncreepyorhot?@ucla.edu.

Sep 30, 2009: Stafon Johnson Recovery Increasingly Embarrassing for USC, Stafon Johnson

Los Angeles, CA--University of Southern California students, faculty and administrative officials are growing increasingly concerned that the recovery of running back Stafon Johnson has become embarrassing for both Johnson and the university.

Johnson, who crushed his larynx during a freak weightlifting accident just two games into the season, can no longer speak and has thus relied on writing on a legal pad to communicate with everyone around him. This has presented unanticipated problems.

"We can deal with the occasional misspelling or grammatical error, that's to be expected," said USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett. "But everytime he puts something down on paper, it's at best incoherent, and at worst with ampersands instead of vowels. Thank God nothing like this ever happened with Maualuga, we'd be fucked."

The issue has also become something of a setback for Johnson's rehabilitation efforts, according to USC speech coach Kenneth Bloomquest.

"One day he held up his pad and it said, 'whatah, pleeze'. And I looked at it, and was naturally confused and asked what he meant. And then he wrote down, 'H40 dummy, wtf?!?!?!?!' Turns out he wanted water. This was very frustrating."

Sources close to Johnson say the running back himself has felt more self-conscious about his recovery, and is more and more reluctant to write out his responses. When he approves of something or wishes to respond affirmatively, he now simply flashes the famous USC "V" with his fingers. When he disapproves, he headbutts whoever is closest to him.