Through a combination of intrepid reporting, patient source cultivation, and an errant Ned Colletti butt-dial (our office number is one digit away from the combination Pizza Hut/Men's Warehouse Colletti is known to frequent in Century City), Bochy's Oversized Pillow has obtained exclusive audio recordings of the internal deliberations of the Dodgers front office over the past three months.
While most of the 200 plus hours of raw tape was rendered unintelligible by the sound of Juan Uribe eating his ritual pre- and post-game turducken, our researchers were able to piece together transcripts from several key meetings of Dodgers brass. Although by no means a full account of Dodger front office dynamics, these transcripts may help answer several nagging questions troubling the Dodgers' confused and yet cautiously optimistic fan base, such as "I'm glad Tony Gwynn Jr. isn't batting leadoff for a professional baseball team, but do I really have to root for Shane Victorino now?" and, "Holy shit, Crawford AND Beckett?" and "But seriously how much fucking money do these guys have?"
Today we present the transcript from the morning of July 31, just hours before Major League Baseball's non-waiver trading deadline. The scene (from what we could piece together from the audio): Dodgers General Manager Ned Colletti sits in a Club Level boardroom in front of a speakerphone, an annotated copy of USA Today's sports section, and an iPhone. Seated across the table is Dodgers President and CEO Stan Kasten; seated next to Kasten is Professional Media Teflon Magic Johnson; and on the speakerphone is Guggenheim Partners CEO and Dodgers Chairman Mark Walter. Newly hired assistant to the general manager Mickey Hatcher (yeup, we actually hired him for a front office job, google that shit) is seated directly next to Colletti. We pick up a few minutes into the conversation, after Colletti, despite the assistance of Hatcher, has accidentally locked himself out of his iPhone.
Kasten: Don't worry about it Ned, we'll just get you a fourth one. Let's get this thing started, shall we? Mark, we have Ned, Magic, Mickey and myself on the line today. It's 10 AM here in L.A., which means we have about three hours until the deadline.
Colletti: Siri, what time is it on the East Coast? Goddamn this thing. Kim used to know how to work this...
Kasten: It's 1 PM on the East Coast, Ned. And it's not going to work while you're locked out, just be patient. Anyway, Mark, we just wanted to consult with you on our strategy going into the deadline. We know you were somewhat surprised by the Hanley deal, and we wanted to make sure you were apprised of the negotiations we have currently underway.
Walter: I appreciate that, Stan. And let me just reiterate, I'm fully behind the Hanley deal, I'm just always a little concerned when we take on longer-term contracts and give up young pitching. But what we've been saying to the press is honest--I'm willing to spend whatever it takes to make us a perennial World Series contender. Or at least give the national media the impression that the franchise is slightly less dysfunctional than it was under Fox.
Colletti: Just to be clear, Mr. Walter, you're willing to spend whatever it takes?
Walter: Yes, Ned. Whatever it takes. I mean obviously within rea--...
Walter's speakerphone cuts off abruptly. While Karsten and Magic attempt to repair the connection, Hatcher is overheard giggling.
Kasten: Mark? Hello, Mark? That's weird. Alright, it looks like we've lost him
. Ned, because we're pressed for time, why don't you just tell me what you were planning on telling Mark.
A new voice enters the audio--Karsten's assistant, Ted.
Kasten's Assistant: Gentlemen, we have Bill Plaschke on the line. He says he's heard rumors there's been trouble communicating with Guggenheim.
Magic: No problem guys, I got this. Connect him to my cell. "Hey Bill, how you doin'? Hey, remember that time in '87 we did blow off Meg Ryan's ass in the back of Don Johnson's camaro?"
Magic leaves the room.
Colletti: Ted, could you bring us some caviar and a box of the finest Cubans you can find? [Pause] For me AND Stan, obviously.
Kasten's Assistant: Yeah sure, I can try.
Colletti: There's a $20K bonus for you if you can do it in the next hour.
Sounds of rapidly moving footsteps.
Colletti: Viva Guggenheim!!!! Last year Oscar Meyer catered our holiday party, for Christ's sakes. And after Uribe left, we were down to triscuits and turkey bologna.
Kasten: Hehehe, yeup, things have changed. Ok, Ned, back to your deadline strategy. What do you got for me?
Colletti: As you know, Mickey and I have been working on some evidence-based criteria to evaluate whether we should pursue a particular player. This was the kind of stuff that Kim was great at, she used to make these Powerpoints with YouTube clips of players and the words would make this typewriter sound, it was so badass...
Kasten: Ned, the criteria..
Colletti: Yes. So Mickey and I have identified three primary criteria in evaluating possible deadline acquisitions. Mickey, go get the cue cards.
Sounds of shuffling.
Colletti: Criteria 1--The player must be significantly underperforming when compared to career statistical norms. We would prefer players who are so severely underperforming that our own scouts and sabernerds have begun to question whether they're in permanent decline.
[Pause]
Kasten: Ok. So you can get them at a cheaper price, I suppose? Is this what we did with Hanley?
[ Pause]
Colletti: Um, yeah. That's exactly what we did with Hanley. But money is no obstacle, you heard Mr. Walter say that. Anyway, Mickey, criteria 2.
Sounds of shuffling.
Colletti: Criteria 2 states that the player must either be considered a "cancer" by teammates and the media, or have public work ethic issues, or be involved in a clubhouse altercation of some sort.
[Pause]
Kasten: So you're actively pursuing assholes?
Colletti: Exactly! This is what Sabean taught me in San Francisco, and it worked wonders. Those were the days, when we would fax our official trade requests and people "listened" instead of just texting all the time. Granted, everyone we acquired was roided up to hell. That was going to be criteria 3, until the whole Melky thing broke. Times have changed, I supposed. Hmm, I wonder if Melky's available...
Kasten: So what's criteria 3 now, if it's not BALCO?
Colletti: Oh right. Criteria 3--We want to make sure we're locked into these underperforming, chemistry-killing players for several years, not just half a season. And we want to make sure these contracts are enormous, like Vernon Wells/Barry Zito enormous.
[Pause]
Colletti: Believe me, Stan, this is what all the big-market teams do. If you want to win like the Yankees or Red Sox or Phillies, you have to act like the Yankees and Red Sox and Phillies.
Kasten: I'm pretty sure the Yankees don't use cue cards.
Hatcher: Not cool, Stan.
Magic reenters the room.
Magic: That was simple enough. Jesus, all those L.A. Times guys want to talk about is how great it was watching Steve Garvey have sex. Weird. Anyway, what did I miss?
Karsten's Assistant: Sorry, gentlemen. Mr. Johnson, it's T.J. Simmers. He says he got word that the Dodgers' front office strategy is predicated on roiding up its players...
Magic: God, where do they get this horseshit? Patch him through to my cell. "T.J., old buddy. Remember that time we tried to get Nancy Reagan to strip for us at Arsenio Hall's place?"
Magic is heard leaving the room.
Karsten's Assistant: And I'm still working on that caviar and Cubans for you, Mr. Colletti.
Colletti: Great. Also, I'd really like to eat with platinum silverwear, I saw Brian Cashman do it once...
Kasten: Ned....
Colletti: I can see you're not pleased, Stan. We also have what I've dubbed "Auxiliary Option B", which I think is pretty innovative. Mickey, go check on Auxiliary Option B.
Hatcher is heard leaving the room.
Karsten: Look, Ned. We gave you the benefit of the doubt and kept you because the team made a couple nice playoff runs while you were here. Granted, most of the young talent on those teams pre-dated your arrival, and the list of atrocious moves you've made with the limited resources you had reads like a Schindler's list of baseball signings--Andrew Jones, Jason Schmidt, Juan Uribe. I'll give you credit for Ethier though...
Colletti: Oh, that's Criteria 4. We've can't include Uribe in any deal, we've got to give him time to pan out...
Hatcher reenters the room.
Hatcher: Auxiliary Option B is a no go, boss. The Commissioner's office asked if this was some sort of joke and then said some bullshit about preserving the integrity of the league.
[A prolonged pause]
Colletti: I wanted to buy the Oakland A's
Kasten: You mean you wanted Reddick or Cespedes?
Colletti: No. I wanted to buy the entire team and use it as our farm system.
[Another prolonged pause ].
Hatcher: You still want me to check about the Royals?
Colletti: No Mickey, that's ok.
Kasten's Assistant: Mr. Colletti, we have Theo Epstein from Chicago and Ruben Amaro Jr. from Philadelphia on the phone for you....
End of Part 1.
